This blogging business is hard! :) Anywho...I'm trying to say that a week ago I had surgery in a clever way. But really I just want to vent about what's on my mind. At the moment I'm thinking I should take some more medication, that I need to check work email again, and it's time for another sip of water.
I'm sipping my water out of a Riedel glass. It's a big bottomed wine glass that easily fits half a bottle of wine. Yeah I know I'm not supposed to fill it all the way up - have to leave room for swishing...but some nights that thing was full to the brim. I don't miss drinking. Well kind of. I miss being *altered*. I miss being able to let go completely and giggle over nothing. You're probably thinking - why can't you do that now? Well...I don't know. I get very serious and I can't shake it. I worry too much about past present and future. I carry with me way too much pain and while I should be able to let it all go...I can't. I never have been able to.
So before I started drinking (which was around 21) I used food up until high school. Then it was sex. Then it was shopping. Then it was drinking. And eating. And smoking. And shopping. And sex. And *other*. So now that I've eliminated the eating aspect and the drinking aspect my goal is to not fill that void with something else. However, I've already started to fill it with shopping. Granted it's all been stuff for the house. And a couple new outfits (I still have stitches and I can't wear slacks to work just yet so I bought a comfy sweater dress...and another dress...and some tights). But at least I'm aware of what I'm doing - mindfully ignoring the red flags and proceeding on so I don't have to deal with any feeling that I don't want to deal with.
I'm also filling my time with my new business. I love that I'm using my paid vacation time to get my own business running. I really should be working on a business plan right now but instead I'm blogging. Blogging to no one. Well maybe someone is reading this. Honestly I'd prefer it if there was no one reading it - okay that's obviously not true because if it was I wouldn't be posting on a public blog.
Anywho...back to the whole one week post op thing. I was going to post a video on that - but the youtubes is down right now so I'll post it later. In short - it's not been easy. Than again it's not been the worst thing I've ever been through either. There is a shift going on though I can feel it. Internally and externally. Truthfully the internal change is the one I'm most interested in. I feel different. Maybe it's because I'm on lortab most of the time (liquid vicodin) and when it wears off old ways and views will set back in. I hope not. I'm feeling more focused than I did before (yes even on lortab) more hopeful about what I'll be able to do once all this weight is gone.
I'm still debating on whether or not I want to directly tell people about my surgery. By people I mean friends. I suppose I'm not telling them because I'm worried about what they'll think of me. What would they think of me if I lied and said I didn't have surgery I just magically lost 100lbs in a rapid way? Actually what's interesting is I thought someone I knew had the surgery and didn't tell anyone and I thought that was pretty lame of her to not tell us and lie to us about eating healthy, etc. As it turns out she didn't have the surgery (she gained all the weight and then some back). I hate to admit this but it made me feel...superior when that happened. I know I'm not - but still it's just this thing that I think women do - we want our friends to be happy but not happier than us. That's a horrible thing to say - and most will say it's not true. But I think on some level it is.
Anyway...I'm out of words to type :) whenever youtuuubes is back up and running I'll post that other video. So much easier to listen to me babble than read it I'm assuming. Oh and it's even better because I decided to point the camera at something else whilst I babble on and on and on and on.. :)
Thanks for listening...
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