27 days 14 hours 47 minutes...but who's counting!!?

Alrighty so I'm feeling a little weird today - but it's all okay.  I'm going to be just fine.

Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown because I was really thinking about all the changes that would take place -all the things I might miss - all the good things that will happen - the risks, etc. that are associated with the surgery.

It all started when my mom emailed me asking if I'd need anything after the surgery and to let her know so that she could request the time off.  I was about to tell her that I'd need her to take me to the surgery and that my husband would pick me up.  And then I thought - well what if I don't make it? Who do I want to see last? Morbid right? But a total possibility. A slim possibility - but one nonetheless.

Speaking of slim- what if the surgery doesn't work?  I just read a horror story from another OH member who had her stomach stapled in the 80's; a failed surgery in mexico and another surgery - and she's still not losing weight.  All the issues are still there - some of the weight is gone - but the underlying feelings of failure and depression are still there- I can tell.

Which is why I just made a call to my potential therapist.  That is going to be crucial in this process.  Getting all these feelings and emotions worked out so I can truly accept the new me.  Often times I've wondered if that's why people fail at the surgery - or why they gain the weight back.  Is it because they aren't comfortable with their skinny selves?  Is it because they're afraid of who they may have become since "the change".

Those are my fears.  It's been seeping through in my dreams as of late - but dreams are just dreams.  Or at least that's what I say about the ones that I don't want to come true. :)

Anywho...just another random unfinished babble session.  Thanks for listening.

Surgery Approved!

I found out on Friday that my insurance approved my surgery and I'm set for September 27th.  Which is about 29 days, 12 hours and 45 minutes away. While I'm really thrilled - why am I so nervous?? Oh yeah because it's a major surgery and I could die. And it might not work.  And it's irreversible. And...I've never had surgery before.  Never- not even a little one.  So that's a little nerve racking. :) I'll be fine though...you'll see.

Today's my first day without any coffee.  Why did I pick a Monday to start this? No really - why?  And why is it I'm totally fine without coffee on the weekend and I'm able to get up around 7 a.m. and get on with the day - but when it comes to me going to work - I need coffee and to sleep in till about 10 a.m.  It sucks.

So I'm yawning and I feel like I'm half in and half out of a coma - but I'm typing so that makes it seem like I'm working. Occasionally I print something - anything really even a blank sheet of paper - which is the best so you don't waste toner- just to give the full effect of a diligent employee.

I should buy my vitamins and stuff today. 

I'm litterally thinking out loud...or thinking out-blog. Ha ha.  Okay that wasn't funny. 

Okay - back to "work".

Waiting...

So I've nothing to do right now but wait.  Wait until the 15th for my nutrition appointment.  Wait long enough before I bug Ben at the surgeons office about submitting my info to the insurance company. Wait until they approve me.  Wait until the 8th to visit the hospital and do the first (of many) support groups. Wait until the 27th when I hopefully have surgery.

I suppose while I'm waiting I could:

Continue to lose those nasty 20lbs I'm supposed to lose
Practice how I'm supposed to eat
Sip some water
Go for a walk
Window shop online for a spiffy dress to inspire me even more
Write more on my bog...check
Imagine what it will be like to be skinny and healthy
Make a list of things I want to do when I'm skinny.....it's such a long list
Wonder what my friends will think when they start noticing I'm losing weight
Watch youtube videos of VSG's that DIDN'T go so well - it's always good to know what could happen - good bad or otherwise
Watch youtube videos of VSG's that DID go well.
More online virtual shopping
Daydream about getting pregnant and having a health happy baby
More online virtual shopping for baby clothes....I do that already. :)
Make a wishlist of things on Amazon I'll need before, during, and after surgery

So all that should take about a day and a half...then I'm back to waiting.  I want to be an "after" already!!!
I worry that I'm so impatient that it will cause me to have set backs.  Hopefully not. :)

....but I can't wait!!!

More random babblings

After meeting with the therapist

Video Blog 2

After the Seminar with Dr. Zare

Yay!

Video Blog 1 =)

Video Babbling =)

Scheduled....kind of!

Yesterday I went to Dr. Zare's office (aka most awesomest surgeon ever) for the seminar and got my "To-Do" list before surgery.

To Do:
1.  Meet with Dietician (8/15)
2.  Meet with psychologist (8/5)
3.  Lose 15-20lbs  (working on it)
4.  Submit stuff to insurance company (after all reports are in)
5.  Pre op class/support group and final bloodwork, ekg, etc. (9/8)
6. Surgery date (9/27)

September 27, 2011....that's like soon!!  However, something can always go wrong so I'm being...as always cautiously optimistic. =)

Times like these

It's times like these when I wonder what my life will be like post surgery. 

I had a long weekend - stayed up too late - probably drank too much - and ate horribly.  And because of that I didn't go to the gym yesterday and I probably won't go today.  I couldn't focus on work and instead I obsessed over the surgery how to eat what to eat calling my doctors offices about my records fantasizing about being a size 12 someday and I didn't get any work done.  Every time I party all weekend I have a bit of a depression afterwards which effects work, health, etc.

So...since I won't be able to do that post surgery...what would my weekend would have looked like? Would I be pissed off that I couldn't hang out with my husband and veg out and drink? Would I be sad because when we went to the mexican restaurant I couldn't of had a tasty margarhita with my chimichanga? Or would I have spent more time on my new found hobbies? Spent some time at the beach, took the dogs for a walk, planned a healthy meal plan for the upcoming week? Would I be more refreshed at work?

Probably.  So now I'm in a different kind of mood.  Worried that something will go wrong and this thing that I'm pinning all my hopes on won't happen.  I'm doing everything I can to make sure it happens.  Calling my insurance company, gathering my medical records, making a list of all the diets I've been on, compiling supporting records of said diets, researching the surgery, drinking water as if I already had it done.  And I haven't even met with the doctor yet.  That's tomorrow. The free seminar then the scheduling of appointments then submittal to the insurance company...then hopefully a date.  I've read people were approved instantly, or six months.  I can't stop playing the what if game.  It's hard to do that without thinking negatively.   But then I don't want to be so optomistic that I get let down.

Another weird thing is that I'm not thinking about my weight right now.  I feel really, really, heavy though.  Heaviest I've ever been.  And I just noticed a few new stretchmarks on my stomach.  Lovely.  Even my "fat jeans" don't fit like they used to.  And then I tell myself - it's okay - you'll get the surgery and it'll all work out.

But what if it doesn't?  I spent a good portion of yesterday reading and watching testimonials of people who had had some form of surgery done and learning how happy they are; how hard it was/is; what they miss; what they're filling their time with now instead of food; the panic stricken posts or videos when they haven't lost any weight; and the side effects.  Hair loss is probably my biggest fear - only because that's the one thing that I've always loved about me.  Vain as it sounds - I love my hair.  I don't love these new stretch marks though.  I don't love how sitting here typing this my jeans are digging into my stomach and this hoodie that was once oversized is now a tad small.  I don't love that it's getting harder for me to do things. Even personal things.  That's embarrassing. 

I remember growing up and my stepdad was always over weight.  When he died, of a rare flesh eating disease, he was probably 550 at 6'1.  And that's where I learned my eating habits.  I was on the atkins diet when I was 11 or 12.  I was on the starvation diet from 16 to 17.  And then he died when I was 18 and every year after that I put on at least 10lbs.  Long story short - he was a horrible man and it was a relief to see him go. Sounds horrible - but trust me I'm not going to hell for saying that.

Anyways - so I don't know where I was going with that.  I guess I'm scared that if this doesn't work, and I do get pregnant (not likely since I have PCOS and I don't ovulate every month), that I'll sky rocket over 300lbs and become him.  Angry, depressed, lazy, mean, unhealthy, a bad role model and die at 52.

So I'm in a weird space right now. Not sure how to snap out of it - but it'll pass, it always does.

Anyway...have a good day everyone.

Here we go

So I had a chat with my husband last night and he was super supprortive (as I expected) and excited for me.  My mom's also excited for me as well.

And I'm beyond excited - and cautiously optomistic as well.  So now that I have the finances in order, the doctor and hospital chosen, time to do some research on which procedure I think is most appropriate for me.  I'll leave the final decision up to the doctor of course, but I want to have a good understanding of each procedure prior to meeting with the Doctor.

It's really hard for me to not get wrapped up in the Day Dream TIme Machine though.  I can't wait to feel healthy, active, and ready to get preggers.  I can't wait to have energy to grab the boys (our huskies) and go for a RUN.  I can't run right now.  That's another goal I have.  I live in Carmel, CA so I'm really close to the Big Sur Marathon - I'd love to be able to run it (most of the way at least).

I went to the gym again today too- and knowing that I'm on the road to approval - gave me more motivation to push myself a bit harder (okay so a rockin playlist helped too). :)

Alrighty that's my babble of the day - time to get some work done, do some research and be awesome.

Take care whoever is reading this!

Sheresa

I joined a gym...again

So yesterday after I did a ton of research on the surgery...again (this makes the 3rd time in 10 years) I joined a gym.  I even went this morning at 5:30 a.m. and worked out for about an hour.  It felt good to be active - but in the back of my mind I know I've done this a million times before...joined a gym..ate right...lost about 30lbs and then in about 3 months I give up/quit/lose motivation and put the 30 back on and then some.

I need to have the surgery. I need to keep working out. I need to succeed this time.