Monday, October 31, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
Uber Curvy Pirate
This is me a few months ago in one of my pirate costumes - and I'm about 265 here....tomorrow's photos should be better!
Hullo there!
Alrighty just a quickie update on where I'm at in this lil journey o'mine....from my highest recorded weight I'm down 29lbs!!! Yeaaah baybee!
And I tried on my Renn Faire costume (yes I'm that kinda girl) and it fit SO much better than it did last time! I'm going to Faire tomorrow so I'm really excited that I'll be way more comfortable than I was last time.
On that note - Faire should be interesting considering I won't be drinking....all day. Full disclosure - I plan on attempting 1 8 oz glass of port while I'm there. :) As for things I can eat - there's not much. I may nibble on a friends lunch if she'll let me though lol. And what's really awesome is since I won't need to spend monies on food or drink - I'll have more for pretty shiny things!!
I'm feeling really good these days - I know I'm still in the honeymoon phase - but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.
My weight loss has been pretty consistent since the surgery. About a pound to a pound and a half...a DAY! No seriously. Yes I'm super excited. :)
Except for two of my closest friends, my mom, boss and husband I haven't told anyone that I've had the surgery. I did have lunch with a friend yesterday and she said I looked amazing - like color of my skin, etc. and asked what I was doing. I HATE lying but I told her I was watching carbs, etc.
Anywho...that's how I'm doing right now. :) I'll probably post then/now pictures after Faire tomorrow.
And I tried on my Renn Faire costume (yes I'm that kinda girl) and it fit SO much better than it did last time! I'm going to Faire tomorrow so I'm really excited that I'll be way more comfortable than I was last time.
On that note - Faire should be interesting considering I won't be drinking....all day. Full disclosure - I plan on attempting 1 8 oz glass of port while I'm there. :) As for things I can eat - there's not much. I may nibble on a friends lunch if she'll let me though lol. And what's really awesome is since I won't need to spend monies on food or drink - I'll have more for pretty shiny things!!
I'm feeling really good these days - I know I'm still in the honeymoon phase - but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.
My weight loss has been pretty consistent since the surgery. About a pound to a pound and a half...a DAY! No seriously. Yes I'm super excited. :)
Except for two of my closest friends, my mom, boss and husband I haven't told anyone that I've had the surgery. I did have lunch with a friend yesterday and she said I looked amazing - like color of my skin, etc. and asked what I was doing. I HATE lying but I told her I was watching carbs, etc.
Anywho...that's how I'm doing right now. :) I'll probably post then/now pictures after Faire tomorrow.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
1 Week Post Op
This blogging business is hard! :) Anywho...I'm trying to say that a week ago I had surgery in a clever way. But really I just want to vent about what's on my mind. At the moment I'm thinking I should take some more medication, that I need to check work email again, and it's time for another sip of water.
I'm sipping my water out of a Riedel glass. It's a big bottomed wine glass that easily fits half a bottle of wine. Yeah I know I'm not supposed to fill it all the way up - have to leave room for swishing...but some nights that thing was full to the brim. I don't miss drinking. Well kind of. I miss being *altered*. I miss being able to let go completely and giggle over nothing. You're probably thinking - why can't you do that now? Well...I don't know. I get very serious and I can't shake it. I worry too much about past present and future. I carry with me way too much pain and while I should be able to let it all go...I can't. I never have been able to.
So before I started drinking (which was around 21) I used food up until high school. Then it was sex. Then it was shopping. Then it was drinking. And eating. And smoking. And shopping. And sex. And *other*. So now that I've eliminated the eating aspect and the drinking aspect my goal is to not fill that void with something else. However, I've already started to fill it with shopping. Granted it's all been stuff for the house. And a couple new outfits (I still have stitches and I can't wear slacks to work just yet so I bought a comfy sweater dress...and another dress...and some tights). But at least I'm aware of what I'm doing - mindfully ignoring the red flags and proceeding on so I don't have to deal with any feeling that I don't want to deal with.
I'm also filling my time with my new business. I love that I'm using my paid vacation time to get my own business running. I really should be working on a business plan right now but instead I'm blogging. Blogging to no one. Well maybe someone is reading this. Honestly I'd prefer it if there was no one reading it - okay that's obviously not true because if it was I wouldn't be posting on a public blog.
Anywho...back to the whole one week post op thing. I was going to post a video on that - but the youtubes is down right now so I'll post it later. In short - it's not been easy. Than again it's not been the worst thing I've ever been through either. There is a shift going on though I can feel it. Internally and externally. Truthfully the internal change is the one I'm most interested in. I feel different. Maybe it's because I'm on lortab most of the time (liquid vicodin) and when it wears off old ways and views will set back in. I hope not. I'm feeling more focused than I did before (yes even on lortab) more hopeful about what I'll be able to do once all this weight is gone.
I'm still debating on whether or not I want to directly tell people about my surgery. By people I mean friends. I suppose I'm not telling them because I'm worried about what they'll think of me. What would they think of me if I lied and said I didn't have surgery I just magically lost 100lbs in a rapid way? Actually what's interesting is I thought someone I knew had the surgery and didn't tell anyone and I thought that was pretty lame of her to not tell us and lie to us about eating healthy, etc. As it turns out she didn't have the surgery (she gained all the weight and then some back). I hate to admit this but it made me feel...superior when that happened. I know I'm not - but still it's just this thing that I think women do - we want our friends to be happy but not happier than us. That's a horrible thing to say - and most will say it's not true. But I think on some level it is.
Anyway...I'm out of words to type :) whenever youtuuubes is back up and running I'll post that other video. So much easier to listen to me babble than read it I'm assuming. Oh and it's even better because I decided to point the camera at something else whilst I babble on and on and on and on.. :)
Thanks for listening...
Sunday, October 2, 2011
The Big Day!
It happened.
It's done.
That wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be!
Now for the fun part :)
My Video Babbling Continues: The Big Day: Before, After, and Beyond!
It's done.
That wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be!
Now for the fun part :)
My Video Babbling Continues: The Big Day: Before, After, and Beyond!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Pureed Deliciousness!!
Hello there!
So I wanted to do a quick review of Blossom Foods and their pureed products.
OMG IT'S FRIGGEN FANTASTIC!!
Now THAT'S a quick review! :)
Alrighty here's a few more details:
Average cost of a meal: About $3.00
Varieties (pureed foods):
So I wanted to do a quick review of Blossom Foods and their pureed products.
OMG IT'S FRIGGEN FANTASTIC!!
Now THAT'S a quick review! :)
Alrighty here's a few more details:
Average cost of a meal: About $3.00
Varieties (pureed foods):
Apple Pie BBQ Beef Brisket-individual Blueberry Custard Bread Pudding Bread Stuffing Breakfast Sausage Buttered Corn Buttered Peas Butternut squash Cherry Cobbler Chicken & Dumplings Chicken Enchiladas Creamed Corn Creamed Spinach Egg Casserole French Toast Green Beans Ham and Cheese Omelets
Meatloaf Pasta Alfredo Pasta with Pesto Peach Pie Pepper Beef Pot roast Potato Casserole Ravioli - Marinara Sauce Roast Carrots Roast Turkey Shepherd's Pie Simmered Chicken in Vegetables Simmered Pork & Vegetables Strawberry Custard Sweet Potato Pie Vegetable Lasagna Western Omelets
And they update their menu pretty often!
Your tasty viddle comes in a 4.5 oz container that you pop in the microwave for about 1-2 minutes (I put mine in for about 30 seconds at a time and stirred it in between heatings). You can keep these in the freezer for UP TO A YEAR! Side note: I bought some adorable dipping dishes at Target and I put the meal in that for the right size and a nice presentation.
The owner Sue is really nice and super fast with responses to questions or concerns.
I'm really excited about this product and I'm sure that it'll make the "baby food" phase easier to deal with.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Feeling better already
If you've been reading my last few posts, and watching the videos, you'll notice that I've been more worried than excited.
However, I'm starting to feel better. Which is good because surgery is HOLY CRAP NEXT WEEK! Not that I'm excited or anything. :)
And as the title says - I am feeling better.
I've quit drinking. I've quit drinking because I think that I really do have a problem. For a while I was having 2-3 drinks a week..then a night...then I was going into work tired and slightly hungover. I've never missed work because I've been too drunk. Okay except for that one time. But I've had some issues come up because I was drinking. Nothing major - just a few fights with friends that wouldn't of happened if I hadn't been drinking.
I attempted to have a glass of wine last night for my husbands birthday - but after not drinking for just a week - I didn't even like the taste! And I had a half a glass and got buzzed. I poured out the rest. It's not what I wanted.
I'm really trying to find the balance between what my brain, heart, and body wants. It's pretty hard though when I've got this never ending stream of demands!
My brain wants:
New shoes chocolate a vacation a raise a nap a cheeseburger a drink another drink more naps to not work a cupcake a new car a new wardrobe that necklace I saw at macy's the other day those other pair of shoes I saw online new duvet covers for the bed to paint the house to get another puppy to be skinny to be fabulous want want want
When does my brain want it? NOW! What specifically? ALL OF IT!
My heart wants:
To be loved. A baby. Another baby. To be Happy. And above all - to be happy.
My body wants:
Vitamins, water, fresh air, a beautiful meal with all the colors of the rainbow in it, and yoga.
Somewhere among all the parts of me - "I" am there. So someday, when I say "I want..." what I want will be exactly what each of my parts truly needs at the moment.
My therapist says I need to start talking to my brain as if it were a child (which is exactly what it sounds like - like Veruca Salt). So instead of caving in after minutes/hours/days of begging, tantrums, and negotiating and then feeling guilty afterwards I should say- "hm that's interesting I get that you want a cookie but lets try this chocolate "milkshake" first and see how we feel afterwards". Still working on this concept. But I have a feeling it'll get easier as time goes by.
Anywhoooo....time to get some work done. :) Only 6 more work days till my "birthday"! :)
Brain: Will there be cake!?
Heart: *hugs* Happy Early Birthday!
Body: OMG this chair sucks - totally wasn't listening - lets go outside!
See what I'm talking about!!?
However, I'm starting to feel better. Which is good because surgery is HOLY CRAP NEXT WEEK! Not that I'm excited or anything. :)
And as the title says - I am feeling better.
I've quit drinking. I've quit drinking because I think that I really do have a problem. For a while I was having 2-3 drinks a week..then a night...then I was going into work tired and slightly hungover. I've never missed work because I've been too drunk. Okay except for that one time. But I've had some issues come up because I was drinking. Nothing major - just a few fights with friends that wouldn't of happened if I hadn't been drinking.
I attempted to have a glass of wine last night for my husbands birthday - but after not drinking for just a week - I didn't even like the taste! And I had a half a glass and got buzzed. I poured out the rest. It's not what I wanted.
I'm really trying to find the balance between what my brain, heart, and body wants. It's pretty hard though when I've got this never ending stream of demands!
My brain wants:
New shoes chocolate a vacation a raise a nap a cheeseburger a drink another drink more naps to not work a cupcake a new car a new wardrobe that necklace I saw at macy's the other day those other pair of shoes I saw online new duvet covers for the bed to paint the house to get another puppy to be skinny to be fabulous want want want
When does my brain want it? NOW! What specifically? ALL OF IT!
My heart wants:
To be loved. A baby. Another baby. To be Happy. And above all - to be happy.
My body wants:
Vitamins, water, fresh air, a beautiful meal with all the colors of the rainbow in it, and yoga.
Somewhere among all the parts of me - "I" am there. So someday, when I say "I want..." what I want will be exactly what each of my parts truly needs at the moment.
My therapist says I need to start talking to my brain as if it were a child (which is exactly what it sounds like - like Veruca Salt). So instead of caving in after minutes/hours/days of begging, tantrums, and negotiating and then feeling guilty afterwards I should say- "hm that's interesting I get that you want a cookie but lets try this chocolate "milkshake" first and see how we feel afterwards". Still working on this concept. But I have a feeling it'll get easier as time goes by.
Anywhoooo....time to get some work done. :) Only 6 more work days till my "birthday"! :)
Brain: Will there be cake!?
Heart: *hugs* Happy Early Birthday!
Body: OMG this chair sucks - totally wasn't listening - lets go outside!
See what I'm talking about!!?
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Protein Shakes and Toxic Friends...I haz both.
Please keep in mind that these are MY opinions and I highly recommend that you request samples of any protein shakes that you purchase online. :)
Me talking about doing some spring cleaning..erm..summer cleaning.
So far my favorites are (in order of tastiest):
Click Protein (omg is so fabulous!!)
Unjury Chocolate Mix
Unjury Chicken Soup - it's good to me - but I've heard people HATE it.
Optifast Chocolate
Optifast Vanilla
Eating Raw Dirt
Optifast Strawberry
Happy taste testing!
Me talking about doing some spring cleaning..erm..summer cleaning.
So far my favorites are (in order of tastiest):
Click Protein (omg is so fabulous!!)
Unjury Chocolate Mix
Unjury Chicken Soup - it's good to me - but I've heard people HATE it.
Optifast Chocolate
Optifast Vanilla
Eating Raw Dirt
Optifast Strawberry
Happy taste testing!
Final Tasks before surgery.
There's a shot of a visualization cd that you can listen to prior to surgery. :) (btw....it's really hard for me to say "visualization" without sounding drunk. At Dr. Zare's Office
My medical ID Bracelet
This is my pretty shiny bracelet. I ordered the ID online and made the bracelet myself. :) google Lauren's Hope for id tags in multi colors :)
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Mid Life Crisis?
I'm wondering if all these hope-y/change-y feelings I'm feeling are steming from some kind of mid life crisis? Had a bad day at work yesterday so I spent some time thinking about my job and career.
Ultimately I think I want to keep this job and I probably will- even though it's totally unfulfilling.
Ultimately I think I want to keep this job and I probably will- even though it's totally unfulfilling.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
21 Days to Form a New Habit
This weekend was great!! Spent lots of time cleaning and organizing the kitchen to get ready for this big change.
Here are couple videos on that :)
21 Days Pt. 1
21 Days Pt. 2
Showing off a new time lapse app (OSnap! - spiffy!)
Here are couple videos on that :)
21 Days Pt. 1
21 Days Pt. 2
Showing off a new time lapse app (OSnap! - spiffy!)
Monday, September 5, 2011
Message Boards and Underwear
OMG I'm so random today..
And the coolest thing on the FB Group (Bariatric Bad Girls Club - rocks!)
One Word
What would your one word be?
And the coolest thing on the FB Group (Bariatric Bad Girls Club - rocks!)
One Word
What would your one word be?
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Things I won't miss...
and anxiety...I has it.
Just another video babble session for your entertainment/amusement/comments. :)
Actually this one I'd love some feed back on from some veterans.
Thanks in advance!
Just another video babble session for your entertainment/amusement/comments. :)
Actually this one I'd love some feed back on from some veterans.
Thanks in advance!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
27 days 14 hours 47 minutes...but who's counting!!?
Alrighty so I'm feeling a little weird today - but it's all okay. I'm going to be just fine.
Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown because I was really thinking about all the changes that would take place -all the things I might miss - all the good things that will happen - the risks, etc. that are associated with the surgery.
It all started when my mom emailed me asking if I'd need anything after the surgery and to let her know so that she could request the time off. I was about to tell her that I'd need her to take me to the surgery and that my husband would pick me up. And then I thought - well what if I don't make it? Who do I want to see last? Morbid right? But a total possibility. A slim possibility - but one nonetheless.
Speaking of slim- what if the surgery doesn't work? I just read a horror story from another OH member who had her stomach stapled in the 80's; a failed surgery in mexico and another surgery - and she's still not losing weight. All the issues are still there - some of the weight is gone - but the underlying feelings of failure and depression are still there- I can tell.
Which is why I just made a call to my potential therapist. That is going to be crucial in this process. Getting all these feelings and emotions worked out so I can truly accept the new me. Often times I've wondered if that's why people fail at the surgery - or why they gain the weight back. Is it because they aren't comfortable with their skinny selves? Is it because they're afraid of who they may have become since "the change".
Those are my fears. It's been seeping through in my dreams as of late - but dreams are just dreams. Or at least that's what I say about the ones that I don't want to come true. :)
Anywho...just another random unfinished babble session. Thanks for listening.
Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown because I was really thinking about all the changes that would take place -all the things I might miss - all the good things that will happen - the risks, etc. that are associated with the surgery.
It all started when my mom emailed me asking if I'd need anything after the surgery and to let her know so that she could request the time off. I was about to tell her that I'd need her to take me to the surgery and that my husband would pick me up. And then I thought - well what if I don't make it? Who do I want to see last? Morbid right? But a total possibility. A slim possibility - but one nonetheless.
Speaking of slim- what if the surgery doesn't work? I just read a horror story from another OH member who had her stomach stapled in the 80's; a failed surgery in mexico and another surgery - and she's still not losing weight. All the issues are still there - some of the weight is gone - but the underlying feelings of failure and depression are still there- I can tell.
Which is why I just made a call to my potential therapist. That is going to be crucial in this process. Getting all these feelings and emotions worked out so I can truly accept the new me. Often times I've wondered if that's why people fail at the surgery - or why they gain the weight back. Is it because they aren't comfortable with their skinny selves? Is it because they're afraid of who they may have become since "the change".
Those are my fears. It's been seeping through in my dreams as of late - but dreams are just dreams. Or at least that's what I say about the ones that I don't want to come true. :)
Anywho...just another random unfinished babble session. Thanks for listening.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Surgery Approved!
I found out on Friday that my insurance approved my surgery and I'm set for September 27th. Which is about 29 days, 12 hours and 45 minutes away. While I'm really thrilled - why am I so nervous?? Oh yeah because it's a major surgery and I could die. And it might not work. And it's irreversible. And...I've never had surgery before. Never- not even a little one. So that's a little nerve racking. :) I'll be fine though...you'll see.
Today's my first day without any coffee. Why did I pick a Monday to start this? No really - why? And why is it I'm totally fine without coffee on the weekend and I'm able to get up around 7 a.m. and get on with the day - but when it comes to me going to work - I need coffee and to sleep in till about 10 a.m. It sucks.
So I'm yawning and I feel like I'm half in and half out of a coma - but I'm typing so that makes it seem like I'm working. Occasionally I print something - anything really even a blank sheet of paper - which is the best so you don't waste toner- just to give the full effect of a diligent employee.
I should buy my vitamins and stuff today.
I'm litterally thinking out loud...or thinking out-blog. Ha ha. Okay that wasn't funny.
Okay - back to "work".
Today's my first day without any coffee. Why did I pick a Monday to start this? No really - why? And why is it I'm totally fine without coffee on the weekend and I'm able to get up around 7 a.m. and get on with the day - but when it comes to me going to work - I need coffee and to sleep in till about 10 a.m. It sucks.
So I'm yawning and I feel like I'm half in and half out of a coma - but I'm typing so that makes it seem like I'm working. Occasionally I print something - anything really even a blank sheet of paper - which is the best so you don't waste toner- just to give the full effect of a diligent employee.
I should buy my vitamins and stuff today.
I'm litterally thinking out loud...or thinking out-blog. Ha ha. Okay that wasn't funny.
Okay - back to "work".
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Waiting...
So I've nothing to do right now but wait. Wait until the 15th for my nutrition appointment. Wait long enough before I bug Ben at the surgeons office about submitting my info to the insurance company. Wait until they approve me. Wait until the 8th to visit the hospital and do the first (of many) support groups. Wait until the 27th when I hopefully have surgery.
I suppose while I'm waiting I could:
Continue to lose those nasty 20lbs I'm supposed to lose
Practice how I'm supposed to eat
Sip some water
Go for a walk
Window shop online for a spiffy dress to inspire me even more
Write more on my bog...check
Imagine what it will be like to be skinny and healthy
Make a list of things I want to do when I'm skinny.....it's such a long list
Wonder what my friends will think when they start noticing I'm losing weight
Watch youtube videos of VSG's that DIDN'T go so well - it's always good to know what could happen - good bad or otherwise
Watch youtube videos of VSG's that DID go well.
More online virtual shopping
Daydream about getting pregnant and having a health happy baby
More online virtual shopping for baby clothes....I do that already. :)
Make a wishlist of things on Amazon I'll need before, during, and after surgery
So all that should take about a day and a half...then I'm back to waiting. I want to be an "after" already!!!
I worry that I'm so impatient that it will cause me to have set backs. Hopefully not. :)
....but I can't wait!!!
I suppose while I'm waiting I could:
Continue to lose those nasty 20lbs I'm supposed to lose
Practice how I'm supposed to eat
Sip some water
Go for a walk
Window shop online for a spiffy dress to inspire me even more
Write more on my bog...check
Imagine what it will be like to be skinny and healthy
Make a list of things I want to do when I'm skinny.....it's such a long list
Wonder what my friends will think when they start noticing I'm losing weight
Watch youtube videos of VSG's that DIDN'T go so well - it's always good to know what could happen - good bad or otherwise
Watch youtube videos of VSG's that DID go well.
More online virtual shopping
Daydream about getting pregnant and having a health happy baby
More online virtual shopping for baby clothes....I do that already. :)
Make a wishlist of things on Amazon I'll need before, during, and after surgery
So all that should take about a day and a half...then I'm back to waiting. I want to be an "after" already!!!
I worry that I'm so impatient that it will cause me to have set backs. Hopefully not. :)
....but I can't wait!!!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Scheduled....kind of!
Yesterday I went to Dr. Zare's office (aka most awesomest surgeon ever) for the seminar and got my "To-Do" list before surgery.
To Do:
1. Meet with Dietician (8/15)
2. Meet with psychologist (8/5)
3. Lose 15-20lbs (working on it)
4. Submit stuff to insurance company (after all reports are in)
5. Pre op class/support group and final bloodwork, ekg, etc. (9/8)
6. Surgery date (9/27)
September 27, 2011....that's like soon!! However, something can always go wrong so I'm being...as always cautiously optimistic. =)
To Do:
1. Meet with Dietician (8/15)
2. Meet with psychologist (8/5)
3. Lose 15-20lbs (working on it)
4. Submit stuff to insurance company (after all reports are in)
5. Pre op class/support group and final bloodwork, ekg, etc. (9/8)
6. Surgery date (9/27)
September 27, 2011....that's like soon!! However, something can always go wrong so I'm being...as always cautiously optimistic. =)
Times like these
It's times like these when I wonder what my life will be like post surgery.
I had a long weekend - stayed up too late - probably drank too much - and ate horribly. And because of that I didn't go to the gym yesterday and I probably won't go today. I couldn't focus on work and instead I obsessed over the surgery how to eat what to eat calling my doctors offices about my records fantasizing about being a size 12 someday and I didn't get any work done. Every time I party all weekend I have a bit of a depression afterwards which effects work, health, etc.
So...since I won't be able to do that post surgery...what would my weekend would have looked like? Would I be pissed off that I couldn't hang out with my husband and veg out and drink? Would I be sad because when we went to the mexican restaurant I couldn't of had a tasty margarhita with my chimichanga? Or would I have spent more time on my new found hobbies? Spent some time at the beach, took the dogs for a walk, planned a healthy meal plan for the upcoming week? Would I be more refreshed at work?
Probably. So now I'm in a different kind of mood. Worried that something will go wrong and this thing that I'm pinning all my hopes on won't happen. I'm doing everything I can to make sure it happens. Calling my insurance company, gathering my medical records, making a list of all the diets I've been on, compiling supporting records of said diets, researching the surgery, drinking water as if I already had it done. And I haven't even met with the doctor yet. That's tomorrow. The free seminar then the scheduling of appointments then submittal to the insurance company...then hopefully a date. I've read people were approved instantly, or six months. I can't stop playing the what if game. It's hard to do that without thinking negatively. But then I don't want to be so optomistic that I get let down.
Another weird thing is that I'm not thinking about my weight right now. I feel really, really, heavy though. Heaviest I've ever been. And I just noticed a few new stretchmarks on my stomach. Lovely. Even my "fat jeans" don't fit like they used to. And then I tell myself - it's okay - you'll get the surgery and it'll all work out.
But what if it doesn't? I spent a good portion of yesterday reading and watching testimonials of people who had had some form of surgery done and learning how happy they are; how hard it was/is; what they miss; what they're filling their time with now instead of food; the panic stricken posts or videos when they haven't lost any weight; and the side effects. Hair loss is probably my biggest fear - only because that's the one thing that I've always loved about me. Vain as it sounds - I love my hair. I don't love these new stretch marks though. I don't love how sitting here typing this my jeans are digging into my stomach and this hoodie that was once oversized is now a tad small. I don't love that it's getting harder for me to do things. Even personal things. That's embarrassing.
I remember growing up and my stepdad was always over weight. When he died, of a rare flesh eating disease, he was probably 550 at 6'1. And that's where I learned my eating habits. I was on the atkins diet when I was 11 or 12. I was on the starvation diet from 16 to 17. And then he died when I was 18 and every year after that I put on at least 10lbs. Long story short - he was a horrible man and it was a relief to see him go. Sounds horrible - but trust me I'm not going to hell for saying that.
Anyways - so I don't know where I was going with that. I guess I'm scared that if this doesn't work, and I do get pregnant (not likely since I have PCOS and I don't ovulate every month), that I'll sky rocket over 300lbs and become him. Angry, depressed, lazy, mean, unhealthy, a bad role model and die at 52.
So I'm in a weird space right now. Not sure how to snap out of it - but it'll pass, it always does.
Anyway...have a good day everyone.
I had a long weekend - stayed up too late - probably drank too much - and ate horribly. And because of that I didn't go to the gym yesterday and I probably won't go today. I couldn't focus on work and instead I obsessed over the surgery how to eat what to eat calling my doctors offices about my records fantasizing about being a size 12 someday and I didn't get any work done. Every time I party all weekend I have a bit of a depression afterwards which effects work, health, etc.
So...since I won't be able to do that post surgery...what would my weekend would have looked like? Would I be pissed off that I couldn't hang out with my husband and veg out and drink? Would I be sad because when we went to the mexican restaurant I couldn't of had a tasty margarhita with my chimichanga? Or would I have spent more time on my new found hobbies? Spent some time at the beach, took the dogs for a walk, planned a healthy meal plan for the upcoming week? Would I be more refreshed at work?
Probably. So now I'm in a different kind of mood. Worried that something will go wrong and this thing that I'm pinning all my hopes on won't happen. I'm doing everything I can to make sure it happens. Calling my insurance company, gathering my medical records, making a list of all the diets I've been on, compiling supporting records of said diets, researching the surgery, drinking water as if I already had it done. And I haven't even met with the doctor yet. That's tomorrow. The free seminar then the scheduling of appointments then submittal to the insurance company...then hopefully a date. I've read people were approved instantly, or six months. I can't stop playing the what if game. It's hard to do that without thinking negatively. But then I don't want to be so optomistic that I get let down.
Another weird thing is that I'm not thinking about my weight right now. I feel really, really, heavy though. Heaviest I've ever been. And I just noticed a few new stretchmarks on my stomach. Lovely. Even my "fat jeans" don't fit like they used to. And then I tell myself - it's okay - you'll get the surgery and it'll all work out.
But what if it doesn't? I spent a good portion of yesterday reading and watching testimonials of people who had had some form of surgery done and learning how happy they are; how hard it was/is; what they miss; what they're filling their time with now instead of food; the panic stricken posts or videos when they haven't lost any weight; and the side effects. Hair loss is probably my biggest fear - only because that's the one thing that I've always loved about me. Vain as it sounds - I love my hair. I don't love these new stretch marks though. I don't love how sitting here typing this my jeans are digging into my stomach and this hoodie that was once oversized is now a tad small. I don't love that it's getting harder for me to do things. Even personal things. That's embarrassing.
I remember growing up and my stepdad was always over weight. When he died, of a rare flesh eating disease, he was probably 550 at 6'1. And that's where I learned my eating habits. I was on the atkins diet when I was 11 or 12. I was on the starvation diet from 16 to 17. And then he died when I was 18 and every year after that I put on at least 10lbs. Long story short - he was a horrible man and it was a relief to see him go. Sounds horrible - but trust me I'm not going to hell for saying that.
Anyways - so I don't know where I was going with that. I guess I'm scared that if this doesn't work, and I do get pregnant (not likely since I have PCOS and I don't ovulate every month), that I'll sky rocket over 300lbs and become him. Angry, depressed, lazy, mean, unhealthy, a bad role model and die at 52.
So I'm in a weird space right now. Not sure how to snap out of it - but it'll pass, it always does.
Anyway...have a good day everyone.
Here we go
So I had a chat with my husband last night and he was super supprortive (as I expected) and excited for me. My mom's also excited for me as well.
And I'm beyond excited - and cautiously optomistic as well. So now that I have the finances in order, the doctor and hospital chosen, time to do some research on which procedure I think is most appropriate for me. I'll leave the final decision up to the doctor of course, but I want to have a good understanding of each procedure prior to meeting with the Doctor.
It's really hard for me to not get wrapped up in the Day Dream TIme Machine though. I can't wait to feel healthy, active, and ready to get preggers. I can't wait to have energy to grab the boys (our huskies) and go for a RUN. I can't run right now. That's another goal I have. I live in Carmel, CA so I'm really close to the Big Sur Marathon - I'd love to be able to run it (most of the way at least).
I went to the gym again today too- and knowing that I'm on the road to approval - gave me more motivation to push myself a bit harder (okay so a rockin playlist helped too). :)
Alrighty that's my babble of the day - time to get some work done, do some research and be awesome.
Take care whoever is reading this!
Sheresa
And I'm beyond excited - and cautiously optomistic as well. So now that I have the finances in order, the doctor and hospital chosen, time to do some research on which procedure I think is most appropriate for me. I'll leave the final decision up to the doctor of course, but I want to have a good understanding of each procedure prior to meeting with the Doctor.
It's really hard for me to not get wrapped up in the Day Dream TIme Machine though. I can't wait to feel healthy, active, and ready to get preggers. I can't wait to have energy to grab the boys (our huskies) and go for a RUN. I can't run right now. That's another goal I have. I live in Carmel, CA so I'm really close to the Big Sur Marathon - I'd love to be able to run it (most of the way at least).
I went to the gym again today too- and knowing that I'm on the road to approval - gave me more motivation to push myself a bit harder (okay so a rockin playlist helped too). :)
Alrighty that's my babble of the day - time to get some work done, do some research and be awesome.
Take care whoever is reading this!
Sheresa
I joined a gym...again
So yesterday after I did a ton of research on the surgery...again (this makes the 3rd time in 10 years) I joined a gym. I even went this morning at 5:30 a.m. and worked out for about an hour. It felt good to be active - but in the back of my mind I know I've done this a million times before...joined a gym..ate right...lost about 30lbs and then in about 3 months I give up/quit/lose motivation and put the 30 back on and then some.
I need to have the surgery. I need to keep working out. I need to succeed this time.
I need to have the surgery. I need to keep working out. I need to succeed this time.
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